Worthless

A couple of weeks ago I found myself awake around 2 in the morning unable to sleep. My mind racing constantly, unable to settle. I pulled out my phone and started writing everything on my mind trying to get to sleep. I found myself writing out how worthless I was, how I don’t deserve any of the good things in my life, how I was unloveable and the man sleeping in our bed deserved so so much more. I prayed hard for the pain I was feeling to leave so I could just go to sleep. I asked over and over again who did this to me? Who hurt me so bad that I’m up at 2am and can’t get my mind to shut down so I can sleep. Who? I looked at what I wrote and I stopped asking who and started asking why and when. Why did I let people tell me what I should feel about myself? Why do I let the negative stick to me like fly paper and the positives slide off like oil? When did I let what others think or say about me matter so much that I let it keep me up at night? Why don’t I listen more when Thomas calls me beautiful? Why don’t I believe it when my nephew wraps his arms around my neck and says you’re pretty Ninny? Why don’t I let it stick with me when my mom says you’re an amazing woman inside and out, your heart is beautiful just like you? I sat there on the floor, tears streaming down my face and I remembered something my mom told me when I was around 10 years old, “god doesn’t make mistakes”. I started thinking to myself it’s got to stop, I have to figure something out because I can’t keep staying up letting all these negative things that I heard way in the past effect my quality of sleep and life when I have all these amazing people in my life filling me with so many positives. So in that moment of pure heartbreak and vulnerability I decided to forget about what people have said or done to me because it doesn’t matter anymore. I need to start believing more that Thomas thinks I’m beautiful, my nephew thinks I’m pretty and my mom thinks I’m amazing from the inside out. I became overly tired after the realization that it begins with me, I can’t control what people say but I can control how I let it effect me or if I even want it to stick with me. I got up off the floor, wiped my face, put my phone down and crawled into my bed, and almost instinctively Thomas opened his arms to let me snuggle in like every night, kissed my forehead and told me he loved me more, and I was able to sleep soundly for the first time in a while. Since that night/morning I’ve been trying to let the positive stick, listening to Thomas tell me I’m beautiful and cute and perfect without arguing with him about it, I’m trying to look into the mirror and see myself through his eyes, my nephews eyes, my moms eyes, my nieces, my sisters, everyone else’s because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am made in his image, and if the one who made the sky blue, the grass green, and the cows so cute it makes me cry then I know he made me beautiful because he doesn’t make mistakes and he doesn’t make ugly, and I am worthy.

True love

Me and Thomas recently celebrated our first anniversary, so in honor of that I present to you my thoughts on true love.

There’s a saying going around that you won’t find your true love or your soulmate until you love yourself first. That is complete bs. While I agree that you should love yourself, it does not say anywhere that your true love will stay away from you if you don’t.

I met Thomas at the end of August 2017, I did not 100% love myself then, hell there are some days I don’t fully love myself now. However I’m blessed in the way he loves me even when I can’t love myself. Isn’t that what it’s about? If you can honestly say you love everything about yourself wouldn’t change a thing then more power to you, I am slightly jealous of you because you are a rare breed. For those of you like me who look in the mirror and see things they think need changing do not fear for love is there for you. If you’ve heard the saying you find love when you least expect it to happen, now that is true. I believe that 110%, I wasn’t looking for anyone when Thomas found me. I had myself convinced that I was going to be the aunt that showed up to family events and birthday parties alone but with extravagant gifts because I don’t have to spend the money on anyone else and I would leave and go home alone and that was going to be forever because I didn’t love myself enough for anyone else to love me. At the same time my mom always told me you’ll find him when you aren’t looking so then I focused on not looking…that doesn’t work. But when I least expected it, on a work trip mind you, he found me. And I say he found me because I was way too shy to really talk to anyone. It wasn’t something I was looking for it was something that I needed but didn’t know it.

I didn’t truly love myself when me and Thomas started dating, there’s days I still avoid looking in mirrors, but that’s ok because I found someone who will love me enough for the both of us on days I can’t love myself. Don’t let anyone tell you that you have to do this that and the other before your true love comes. Because it’s probably bs, just be yourself, and remember everything happens when it’s supposed to happen even true love.

Planning sucks

Ok I hate plans, I hate making plans, planning in general just irks me in ways I can’t explain. Here’s why, plans either end in one of two ways, 1 they change last minute into something you weren’t prepared for or 2 they just don’t happen at all. I always get so excited about plans, weather it’s a dinner or just a lunch with friends, always get hyped for it. But lately every single plan I’ve had or have been apart of falls apart before my very eyes. And I spend days trying to get over it because I work myself up so hard for things and it never happens. So it’s not necessarily the planning or making plans I hate at first because I get so excited for things, but when they fall through I feel so defeated and just down to the point I don’t want to do anything anymore. I’m slowly learning in life that outside things I have no control of get thrown into the mixture of life and they’re not going to be like hey before we throw this massive wrench in the day let’s make sure Jenn doesn’t have anything going on today that this would ruin. I wish that’s how it would work because sometimes I think I’d be so much happier. But I’ve also learned that everything does happen for a reason, the world does not revolve around my plans nor should plans make my happiness. This summer I got new swim suits, never went swimming, not once was I even near a pool because I worked all summer, but now I have a house. It’s very difficult for me to get excited for things now just because I’m so used to things not going the way they were supposed to or the way I thought they were supposed to, but later on down the road something else bigger happens that might not have happened if the other thing didn’t fall through. Sometimes you gotta look at the bigger picture. Yea I still get upset and sometimes angry because nothing goes according to plan, but then again it’s not really my plans that matter but someone much more powerful and it’s hard to remember that but I’m getting better at it. So planning or plans in general are not my thing, if you see me frantically running around chances are I was going with the flow and all the sudden I had something to do. Don’t be discouraged when plans don’t go the way you think they should because chances are something bigger and better is coming your way.

Would you trim his nose hairs?

Recently, as in this past week recently I moved out of my parents house into my own two bedroom house, with Thomas. As I have said in a previous post we started living together late November early December, but now we have our own place. I grew up with three boys, so I always thought I could easily live with my significant other when I was dating or when I got married. COMPLETELY DIFFERENT NO WHERE NEAR THE SAME. Ok so let me tell you living with your significant other is nowhere near the same as a sibling of the opposite or same sex…I don’t judge. Also living with them on your own is crazy different from with your parents, their parents, or even roommates. we stayed the night with each other on occasion before so we could be all cute and then do all the gross hygiene things when the other was gone again and be our normal probably gross selves (not saying I or he was fake at all). But when y’all are together every single night and a good portion of the day eventually you will need to shower, or burp, or relieve yourself. You can’t spend your whole life keeping all that in literally. You grow to be comfortable with them, and gross together. Not too long ago Thomas was sick and I mean sick sick, like he broke a fever three times a night and I woke up covered in his sweat sick, but I took care of him. One morning I woke up with major allergy issues, blew my nose and went on to tell him the color and consistency of my snot, not even thinking about who I was telling, it was just a natural thing. But we still love each other at the end of the day. Thomas is so mature but at the same time so child like, there is not a day that goes by in our house that we are not playing around or laughing, I mean same though. We bought a nose hair trimmer a few months ago, yes the title matches this time. The whole time picking one out, which study up on trimmers people because we were faced with options I didn’t know existed, I was so freaking excited. As soon as we got home I tore into that trimmer ready to take down the hairs in his nose, and yes I will admit I scared him becasue of my excitment but if I am going to spend my life with someone I am going to be all up in their nose hair. It is something to really think about, if you are not up to taking care of them, and holding them while they break a fever, if you are not going to look at the weird spot on their back, if you are not going to ask them to go to the bathroom wih the door cracked because its storming outside andeven though youre 22 years old they terrify you, if you are not willing to trim their nose hairs then do not live with them, if you’re not willing to get all up in their face, or back or weird spot on their leg then do not live together. If you can’t be comfortable with them enough to wear sweat pants or go without makeup, or dare I say fart in front of them then do not because that is not a way to live life. Be comfortable with your significant other in your house or their house or wherever y’all are. You should always be able to be your grossest self with your love.

A letter to my oldest niece

Ok emotional aunt here…my oldest niece is starting middle school. I’ve been dreading this day for three years. So this is my letter to her, of advice and things I wish I knew entering middle school

My dearest Savvy Jo, as you enter middle school I have some wisdom to bestow upon you and you’re going to listen. Always remember some of gods greatest gifts are unanswered prayers, I used to wish you would stay little forever and always be the cute little 3 year old with curly hair in pigtails, my wishes went un-granted, for now you are now a beautiful young lady who I love even more with each day that goes by. That being said you are about to enter middle school and I am going to give you some advice on things I wish I knew before my 6th grade year. First and foremost you are beautiful inside and out, your heart is beautiful, don’t let anyone, I don’t care who it is no one should be able to sway you differently. Second school is important do your best work on all assignments, study hard for tests apply yourself to your homework don’t let anyone talk you out of doing homework or studying. You are an incredible athlete and I am so excited to see where you go with softball but grades are still important. Third, no boy is more important than anything or anyone. You are important, boys come and go and I’m not just being the over protective aunt here. Friends will come and go but there will be a few real ones that last a lifetime…cherish those friends because they will see you through your ups and downs. Ask all the questions, in class if you don’t know something, if something confuses you do not I repeat do not be afraid to raise your hand and ask questions…I wish I would’ve asked more questions and got more help. That also means if you need help with your homework ask your parents, your kick ass aunts and uncles, or your grandparents, don’t sit there and hope you get it right, it could be on a test. Please please please don’t ever feel alone in this world, you have an amazingly huge support system filled with people who love you, from your parents and siblings to your aunts, uncles, grandparents, you are never alone and I guarantee you if you’re having an issue or problem one of your people will be able to help you through it. Listen to your parents and when they tell you no they’re doing it because they love you and want what’s best for you, love your siblings because they are first best friends and they are the ones that’ll be behind you at all times even if y’all fight a lot. Your family is your biggest fan and like i said some of gods greatest gifts are unanswered prayers, keep your head up and keep your faith strong. Trust your gut, if you feel something is wrong, it probably is, tell someone. That also includes if you think something isn’t right with you health wise (i.e you can’t see/hear/ don’t feel well) tell someone immediately. Have fun but not too much fun and remember I love you so much and will always be here for you no matter what. Never be afraid to tell your family something that happened or how you feel. Always stand up for what you believe in, don’t follow the crowd because you Savvy Jo were born to stand out, continue to be yourself at all times.

For all the my babies going to school, make good choices, I’m not afraid to walk into your school and act a complete fool, because I love y’all. My babies (who are no longer babies) are my whole heart, now if y’all will please excuse me I’m going to be crying for the next year. Happy back to school!

Gluten Free

Warning this is going to probs bring up a lot of bad stuff and I might cry you might cry….Who knows.

I have struggled with allergies all my life, seasonal, indoor, outdoor, doesn’t matter if you can be allergic to it chances are I am. I have to get a shot every week for my allergies, I’m a mess. Recently I had gotten a food panel done because I don’t want to eat something and have to use my Epi-pen (don’t even get me started on how much they are even with insurance). When I got the results back I was allergic to things like dairy, which I’ve known since birth, nuts, shell-fish, and gluten, and many, many more. I was most upset about the gluten. I have been a bread and pasta person my entire life and now I have to change my entire diet.

I have a lot of regrets in my life and if you stick around long enough you might hear them. But one of the bigger ones would be my eating disorder. Yes I said eating disorder. I know I am so loved, and I know true beauty is on the inside and I know I should never feel like I have to take such extreme measures, I know. But there is a lot that y’all don’t know. I was emotionally and mentally beaten down to a point where I couldn’t walk past a mirror. I listened to all the things people said to me, about me and I took it upon myself to please them.

Again I am getting ahead of myself, I was always active when I was younger, outside playing running, trying to keep up with my brothers. We moved to a not so nice neighborhood, and I could no longer play outside unless one of the boys were home so they could look after me, but they were at working age so they weren’t always home. Like I said I am a bread and pasta girl, I’m sure you can figure out what happened. I have been told by people that I need to lose weight or else I am going to get fat by someone who was supposed to love me unconditionally. I was in 7th grade the first time someone asked me when I was due. I was called every name in the book before I reached high school. I wore big hoodies and shirts in high school just so I could hide my body. My junior and senior year I was in a relationship with someone, yes the one my mom would never let me marry. He was okay in the beginning, then came the day he told me I’m not perfect, I have things I need to work on and yes its my stomach. So now on top of years of being called tubby, and my all time favorite tub of lard, my now ex-boyfriend, who was supposed to love me is basically telling me I need to lose weight. And I did, I ordered my senior prom dress and by the time prom night came around I needed to have it altered again. After we were over I stopped trying to lose weight probably for the best because it wasn’t the healthiest then either, I continued with my old habits. College is an entire different ball game, let me tell you. my first year was ok, my second year, awful.

As a sophomore in college I stopped eating regularly, began going to the gym wayyyy too much and became addicted to diet pills. I began to experiment with crazy fad diets and no they do not work. I justified it in my head that what I was doing was okay. I bought a bunch of things like animal crackers, meal shakes, crackers and granola bars, in my head it was okay  if I separated everything into serving sizes in little baggies to control how much I ate. My daily food intake would look something like this; meal shake for breakfast, maybe a granola bar around 5pm or maybe a 100 calorie prepackaged bag of animal crackers and a crap ton of water, because in my mind water is going to keep me alive. On top of only consuming around 100-150 calories a day, I would go to the gym (hello free membership) every single day and just on one machine alone I would not stop until I burned at least 300-400 calories, if I ate more than once that day I would stay until it was at 500-600 calorie burned and that was just on one machine. But all of this was okay in my mind because I was “meal prepping” yes a 100 calorie bag of animal crackers was my meal, I was working out every day, but a lot of people do, and I was drinking a lot of water, so everything was perfectly fine.

I ruined my body. I started sleeping all the time, I could barely get through a class without falling asleep. I was losing my hair, and if you know me you know I take great pride in my hair. I could no longer go home on breaks or for the holidays and eat an actual meal without throwing up because I had shrunk my stomach. I not only regret this because of how awful it is but also because now I feel like I missed my chances to eat all the things I can’t have, and I know how bad it sounds when I say that because I do regret my eating disorder for many reasons, it’s just how I think about everything I should have done differently than and maybe it wouldn’t have been so difficult now.

After about two or so years I have finally gotten to a place where I can eat a meal without getting sick or feeling like my stomach is going to explode. However I do have day-to-day struggles, it took a while to get to a place where I could actually feel hunger and not just eat because I looked at the clock and figured this is when people would eat normally. Some days are worse than others, I have to convince myself to eat, I have to say to myself that I have too many beautiful nieces looking at me to let them see me go through that. If I see something online, if one of my friends have liked or shared something of a picture of someone who looks stunning, all that flashes in my mind is I will never ever look like that, and the forcing myself to eat begins again. I have days where I literally get dressed in the dark so I can avoid looking in my giant mirror and hope to god my hair looks okay. It will be a continuous struggle for a while but I am a lot better than I used to be. And if you’re wondering I do eat every day mostly because my boyfriend doesn’t let me use the excuse of I’m not hungry.

You probably realized this doesn’t have a whole lot to do with allergies, but it made a good intro. The point is, please do not tell someone you love them but they need to lose weight, do not let them tell you they aren’t hungry if you know they haven’t eaten. don’t mess with diet pills they are terrible and honestly not worth the literal stomach ache. Don’t hold someone to the standard of anyone else’s beauty because we are all beautiful in our own ways. And if you feel that you don’t need food that day because you ate twice yesterday, or if you feel like you can eat that cake because you’re just going to throw it up later anyways, then please talk to someone. I know from experience how difficult it can be and especially if you have everything justified in our mind, but with that being said, talk to someone, get the help you need before it’s too late. Remember you are beautiful, handsome, wonderful and loved.

When you know you know

Mine and Thomas’ relationship has been fast. From the first I love yous on our first date to him moving in in December, three months into our relationship, but it also felt so right, so natural. Nothing has been forced, nothing felt as though it was too fast. It’s the kind of love everyone around me can see it radiating off of me.

The other day me and Thomas were having dinner and we got to talking about how long we’ve been together compared to how long we’ve lived together. It’s crazy to think he moved in about three months after we started dating. But he said “when you know you know”. This hit me hard hearing him say that because I remembered a conversation I had with one of my sisters not long after we started talking. I walked into her house smiling of course because he’s just amazing. But she looked me dead in the eyes and told me I looked like a dork because of the massive smile I had. Soooo I had to tel her all about this guy I was talking to. Less than a week after that conversation I told her we were dating and I told her I know it happened fast but it just feels right, she said “when you know you know”.

My wonderful mother and I had a conversation not long before I met Thomas and we were talking about a previous relationship I had. I thought he was the one but deep down I knew he wasn’t. I wasn’t in a healthy relationship but there was a piece of me saying you have to put up with this because this is it for you. She told me she knew he wasn’t the one and she would not have let me marry him. I thank god she would’ve stopped me. Not long after she met Thomas we were out to dinner and she asked me in the parking lot if I thought he was the one, I could only nod because I was just so incredibly happy finally, and she just knew.

The point is is that there is no timeline in love, there is no set thing saying by the time you’ve been together for six months you can start talking about how you love each other, after a year move in together, a year and a half engaged. That’s not how this works. It can either happen super fast or super slow. It varies person to person. You have to trust yourself and trust your partner. Don’t compare your relationship to that of others because just like everyone is different, every relationship is different. When you find your true love you will know and you will know how fast or how slow to take it, don’t rush it because you think you have to but at the same time don’t hold back your feelings because you think it’s way too soon because after all when you know you just know.