When I grow up I want to be a lawyer, a family lawyer advocating for children in many different situations, whether it be custody, foster, adoption, anything. I do not want more children feeling the way I felt growing up. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, I always thought that the situation I grew up in as preparing me for my job as a lawyer and I was partly correct, but what I didn’t expect was it preparing me for one of the most difficult and most amazing things to ever happen to me.
My wonderful boyfriend is an amazing father to a very cute little boy. Let me tell you loving someone else’s child is one of the most humbling, frustrating, amazing and rewarding feelings in the world because you chose every single day to love that child and it’s not even a choice you make consciously, it’s natural, it pulls you in and the next thing you know you’re in total awe and love.
Let me back up. When me and Thomas (aka wonderful boyfriend) first started talking, not even dating, he told me how old he was which not important and that he had a son. I made sure to tell him multiple times that he comes first and I never want to come between them because like I stated before I don’t want another child to feel like I did and I sure as hell am not going to be the reason a child feels that way. I know what its like to be second choice by a parent, to be chosen after a significant other, to come last after everything else like friends and co-workers, I know the thoughts kids have when they see that someone else getting the attention that is supposed to be yours. He always always comes first. What struck me deep down was how nervous he was, he didn’t want me to run because he was a package deal. There is no way I could ever leave those two their smiles dragged me in and will not let me go.
When I first met his son I was a freaking wreck. I was terrified, nervous, all the things a person can be when meeting someone new. I talked to my mom a lot right before I went to meet him because I knew if he didn’t like me then I couldn’t be with Thomas. I say that not because I don’t love him, I said it because I do love him, I love him enough to walk away if it is for his son. As much as it pains me and I actually cried a little typing this, I know that if it was best for his son I would have to because I swore to myself that I wasn’t going to be the one to come between them, I wasn’t going to be the reason a child suffered alone wondering where his dad was. Thomas gets mad when I say that because he knows his son loves me and I love him immensely. But I have enough love and respect for Thomas and his relationship with his son that if it’s for the best then I’ll suck it up. (No I’m not leaving him now, I’m here forever)
I know I am not his mom, I know I will not replace her, that’s not what I want, I am simply a bonus, someone else in this crazy world to love and support and protect him unconditionally. And spoiling is an obvious. That is the rewarding part, the heartbreaking and frustrating part comes with not being able to be there for everything, missing so many things but having enough respect and class to know my place. I would give my right arm and left leg to be 100% involved all the time but I also know it just isn’t possible right now, knowing that isn’t going to make it hurt any less. I don’t love them any less either, I have so much love for my two boys sometimes I just want to cry.
I thought I knew everything I wanted in life, be a lawyer, help the children in horrible situations, have a family. But this, this is so much better. I still want to be a lawyer advocating for children, but now I know that this is one of the best jobs I could ever have and ever have. God doesn’t always give you what you want, but he gives you what you need, my life improved tenfold after meeting Thomas and to think the journey is just beginning. There is going to be a part three coming soon, and this is not a piece but my whole heart.