Gluten Free

Warning this is going to probs bring up a lot of bad stuff and I might cry you might cry….Who knows.

I have struggled with allergies all my life, seasonal, indoor, outdoor, doesn’t matter if you can be allergic to it chances are I am. I have to get a shot every week for my allergies, I’m a mess. Recently I had gotten a food panel done because I don’t want to eat something and have to use my Epi-pen (don’t even get me started on how much they are even with insurance). When I got the results back I was allergic to things like dairy, which I’ve known since birth, nuts, shell-fish, and gluten, and many, many more. I was most upset about the gluten. I have been a bread and pasta person my entire life and now I have to change my entire diet.

I have a lot of regrets in my life and if you stick around long enough you might hear them. But one of the bigger ones would be my eating disorder. Yes I said eating disorder. I know I am so loved, and I know true beauty is on the inside and I know I should never feel like I have to take such extreme measures, I know. But there is a lot that y’all don’t know. I was emotionally and mentally beaten down to a point where I couldn’t walk past a mirror. I listened to all the things people said to me, about me and I took it upon myself to please them.

Again I am getting ahead of myself, I was always active when I was younger, outside playing running, trying to keep up with my brothers. We moved to a not so nice neighborhood, and I could no longer play outside unless one of the boys were home so they could look after me, but they were at working age so they weren’t always home. Like I said I am a bread and pasta girl, I’m sure you can figure out what happened. I have been told by people that I need to lose weight or else I am going to get fat by someone who was supposed to love me unconditionally. I was in 7th grade the first time someone asked me when I was due. I was called every name in the book before I reached high school. I wore big hoodies and shirts in high school just so I could hide my body. My junior and senior year I was in a relationship with someone, yes the one my mom would never let me marry. He was okay in the beginning, then came the day he told me I’m not perfect, I have things I need to work on and yes its my stomach. So now on top of years of being called tubby, and my all time favorite tub of lard, my now ex-boyfriend, who was supposed to love me is basically telling me I need to lose weight. And I did, I ordered my senior prom dress and by the time prom night came around I needed to have it altered again. After we were over I stopped trying to lose weight probably for the best because it wasn’t the healthiest then either, I continued with my old habits. College is an entire different ball game, let me tell you. my first year was ok, my second year, awful.

As a sophomore in college I stopped eating regularly, began going to the gym wayyyy too much and became addicted to diet pills. I began to experiment with crazy fad diets and no they do not work. I justified it in my head that what I was doing was okay. I bought a bunch of things like animal crackers, meal shakes, crackers and granola bars, in my head it was okay  if I separated everything into serving sizes in little baggies to control how much I ate. My daily food intake would look something like this; meal shake for breakfast, maybe a granola bar around 5pm or maybe a 100 calorie prepackaged bag of animal crackers and a crap ton of water, because in my mind water is going to keep me alive. On top of only consuming around 100-150 calories a day, I would go to the gym (hello free membership) every single day and just on one machine alone I would not stop until I burned at least 300-400 calories, if I ate more than once that day I would stay until it was at 500-600 calorie burned and that was just on one machine. But all of this was okay in my mind because I was “meal prepping” yes a 100 calorie bag of animal crackers was my meal, I was working out every day, but a lot of people do, and I was drinking a lot of water, so everything was perfectly fine.

I ruined my body. I started sleeping all the time, I could barely get through a class without falling asleep. I was losing my hair, and if you know me you know I take great pride in my hair. I could no longer go home on breaks or for the holidays and eat an actual meal without throwing up because I had shrunk my stomach. I not only regret this because of how awful it is but also because now I feel like I missed my chances to eat all the things I can’t have, and I know how bad it sounds when I say that because I do regret my eating disorder for many reasons, it’s just how I think about everything I should have done differently than and maybe it wouldn’t have been so difficult now.

After about two or so years I have finally gotten to a place where I can eat a meal without getting sick or feeling like my stomach is going to explode. However I do have day-to-day struggles, it took a while to get to a place where I could actually feel hunger and not just eat because I looked at the clock and figured this is when people would eat normally. Some days are worse than others, I have to convince myself to eat, I have to say to myself that I have too many beautiful nieces looking at me to let them see me go through that. If I see something online, if one of my friends have liked or shared something of a picture of someone who looks stunning, all that flashes in my mind is I will never ever look like that, and the forcing myself to eat begins again. I have days where I literally get dressed in the dark so I can avoid looking in my giant mirror and hope to god my hair looks okay. It will be a continuous struggle for a while but I am a lot better than I used to be. And if you’re wondering I do eat every day mostly because my boyfriend doesn’t let me use the excuse of I’m not hungry.

You probably realized this doesn’t have a whole lot to do with allergies, but it made a good intro. The point is, please do not tell someone you love them but they need to lose weight, do not let them tell you they aren’t hungry if you know they haven’t eaten. don’t mess with diet pills they are terrible and honestly not worth the literal stomach ache. Don’t hold someone to the standard of anyone else’s beauty because we are all beautiful in our own ways. And if you feel that you don’t need food that day because you ate twice yesterday, or if you feel like you can eat that cake because you’re just going to throw it up later anyways, then please talk to someone. I know from experience how difficult it can be and especially if you have everything justified in our mind, but with that being said, talk to someone, get the help you need before it’s too late. Remember you are beautiful, handsome, wonderful and loved.

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