Worthless

A couple of weeks ago I found myself awake around 2 in the morning unable to sleep. My mind racing constantly, unable to settle. I pulled out my phone and started writing everything on my mind trying to get to sleep. I found myself writing out how worthless I was, how I don’t deserve any of the good things in my life, how I was unloveable and the man sleeping in our bed deserved so so much more. I prayed hard for the pain I was feeling to leave so I could just go to sleep. I asked over and over again who did this to me? Who hurt me so bad that I’m up at 2am and can’t get my mind to shut down so I can sleep. Who? I looked at what I wrote and I stopped asking who and started asking why and when. Why did I let people tell me what I should feel about myself? Why do I let the negative stick to me like fly paper and the positives slide off like oil? When did I let what others think or say about me matter so much that I let it keep me up at night? Why don’t I listen more when Thomas calls me beautiful? Why don’t I believe it when my nephew wraps his arms around my neck and says you’re pretty Ninny? Why don’t I let it stick with me when my mom says you’re an amazing woman inside and out, your heart is beautiful just like you? I sat there on the floor, tears streaming down my face and I remembered something my mom told me when I was around 10 years old, “god doesn’t make mistakes”. I started thinking to myself it’s got to stop, I have to figure something out because I can’t keep staying up letting all these negative things that I heard way in the past effect my quality of sleep and life when I have all these amazing people in my life filling me with so many positives. So in that moment of pure heartbreak and vulnerability I decided to forget about what people have said or done to me because it doesn’t matter anymore. I need to start believing more that Thomas thinks I’m beautiful, my nephew thinks I’m pretty and my mom thinks I’m amazing from the inside out. I became overly tired after the realization that it begins with me, I can’t control what people say but I can control how I let it effect me or if I even want it to stick with me. I got up off the floor, wiped my face, put my phone down and crawled into my bed, and almost instinctively Thomas opened his arms to let me snuggle in like every night, kissed my forehead and told me he loved me more, and I was able to sleep soundly for the first time in a while. Since that night/morning I’ve been trying to let the positive stick, listening to Thomas tell me I’m beautiful and cute and perfect without arguing with him about it, I’m trying to look into the mirror and see myself through his eyes, my nephews eyes, my moms eyes, my nieces, my sisters, everyone else’s because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am made in his image, and if the one who made the sky blue, the grass green, and the cows so cute it makes me cry then I know he made me beautiful because he doesn’t make mistakes and he doesn’t make ugly, and I am worthy.

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